That is the sound of the ever-present ticking clock in my head. You know. The one that tells you that no matter how much you do, you won’t get it all done.
The last two weeks have been pretty cruddy:
A couple of weeks ago, I was told that I am not fit to be a teacher or friend. I was told that by someone who was such a toxic presence in my life, I have no idea why I did not sever the “friendship” sooner. Still, it hurts. It shouldn’t, coming from such a one as this person is, but it does. I always have cared too much about what others think, and as it turns out, that includes people who are mean and crazy.
About that same time we learned that LMG is not reading at grade level. This is a very huge big deal at her young age. Now, I know better than to think that this is a reflection on our parenting skills… but one’s mind can’t but help “go there” in terms of have I been doing enough? Why didn’t I see sooner that she was behind? I’m an English teacher, for crying out loud! But, I am not an elementary teacher and I had no clue that she was behind…and she is just barely below…. And she is a very young first-grader. She turned six three days before school started… And she does have attention issues… Not to use all that as an excuse, but they are legitimate factors. Thankfully she’s getting more assistance now from us and her school.
This week, I was forced to come with the realization that I am not going to be graduating in December. There is just no earthly way the papers are going to be written, submitted, and approved. It was not a happy thing to acknowledge. I had set this as a major goal for myself. I’ve had my sights on it since April, and I didn’t get it done. It is very disappointing. And my wonderful husband, who is so incredibly supportive, is disappointed, too. Not in a guilt-trip kind of way. But I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I was feeling like Crappy-Wife-Who-Takes-Advantage-of-Her-Husband’s-Amazing-Level-of-Love-and-Patience. We were both looking forward to December being a finish line in which we could all take a collective deep breath and just slow-down. Well, that’s not going to happen. So now, we’re looking at Februrary. And I feel really good and motivated about that goal. I know I can do it. It just means that there are going to have to be major changes in the way I’ve been prioritizing and working on this project.
Now, couple that with a conversation that John had with LMG in the car this week… I had parent-teacher conferences this week, so two evenings I wasn’t even home (including trick-or-treat night on Thursday). LMG asked John: Why does Mommy have to be a teacher? John responded with: That’s what Mommy wants to be. She likes teaching people things. Don’t you want her to be a teacher? LMG responded with: Well, I never get to play with her. Okay, so hearing that Thursday night, after the craptastic two weeks, I pretty much feel like Worst-Neglectful-Mommy-EVER on top of Crappy-Wife. Which, I know isn’t true. But I can’t deny that I miss a lot of time with my kids and that I’ve been leaning on my husband tremendously.
So that’s what’s been going on here. Nothing life shattering. Just one incredibly busy life that needs some re-calibration. The posts here will be slowing down tremendously (as they already have) because they have to. But I do what to mention some of the wonderful things that are happening or have happened recently.
My best friend/Lucky Star, Betsy, recently gave birth to her second gorgeous daughter, Madeline Kay. I hope I spelled that correctly.
Other close friends have recently announced or confided that their families are growing, but I do not want to mention names or places out of confidence. In both cases, it’s a very, very happy and blessed time.
My school’s (where I teach) football team has made it to the state football playoffs, yet again, with an undefeated regular-season record. Last year they made it to the final four. It’s an exciting time, and most of these young men I know personally… it’s hard not to get involved emotionally when you see their hard work, dedication, and sacrifice. Go Comets!
And finally, I do want to say thank you to all my friends and family who are so very supportive of me. It’s because of you that I will always know that I am one lucky girl.