I am the Scrooge of resolutions. I hate ’em. I hate the false sense of obligation and subsequent guilt I feel when I do not make any progress on my resolutions. So, I’m not going to make any. I do, however, have a few things that I would like to accomplish in coming months:
I’d like to actually get some closure on the master’s degree that I stopped writing/talking about here a long time ago. That means I’d like to either finish it or be okay with not finishing it. Whichever way it is resolved, it needs to end that way because that’s what I wanted, not out of some sense of should or ought to. I know this sounds rather lazy, flippant even–to which I exclaim, “Yes! It is!”
But saying this is one thing. When I feel emotionally okay with telling the whole Internets that I might just let this “opportunity” go uncompleted without worrying whether or not you think of me as lazy, or worse yet, a failure… that will be the real accomplishment for me. I have lived a huge chunk of my 34 years trying to make sure that I am doing the “right thing.” To ensure that my friends and family could never look at my life and say, Wow, she really never lived up to her potential. To be perceived as a failure or an underachiever was unbearable to me. I live in fear of that. So I have decided to do what I can to stop being afraid. That begins with not doing this out of a sense of obligation to anybody but myself. Then maybe I’ll be able to actually move forward. Maybe then I can carve out the time from my schedule without feeling like it costs me and my husband and children too dearly. When I feel darn good and ready to, and not a minute before. I am making a conscious effort to stop doing things just because someone somewhere thinks I should.
On a much more lighthearted note, I’d like for the living room, my bedroom, and the hallway to be repainted sometime in the next year. Notice how I did not write that that I’d like to be the one to do it? That was on purpose.
I’d like to redecorate my office to into a room in which someone would actually want to work and study rather from the ground-zero of the chaos of my life that it currently is.
Last, but most importantly, I’d like to find my superpower. Karen at Chookooloonks has asked her readers before to describe their superpowers, and this year she has challenged us to find ways to use our superpowers to make our worlds just a little bit, or a lot bit, better. I LOVE THIS IDEA. One problem: I don’t know what my superpower is. People who know me in real life would scoff and say, Oh yes you do too know what your superpower is, because everyone knows that I can talk a streak 10 miles long. This is undoubtedly ONE of my superpowers; it has been well documented, and I have received a great deal of good-natured, and sometimes not-so-good-natured teasing over this. The whole point of a superpower is to use it for good, and since nobody ever puts a positive spin on my chattiness (it’s more like something all of my friends have endured over the years), I can’t imagine how I can use this to improve my little world. I’m actually pretty self-conscious about my apparent inability to recognize when I’ve talked too long or too much. So much so that after every family gathering or party, I fret, “Did I talk too much? Did I drive people nuts? Did I come across and self-absorbed and annoying?” Honestly, being a motor-mouth is not something that I am proud of. If I could recognize it and stop ahead of time, trust me, I would. So, yes, one thing that I’d like to do this year is discover my superpower besides that. I’ll be thinking about that a lot in the weeks to come.
Again, these are not resolutions. Okay??? These are… goals to work toward in little and big ways… as time and effort and inclination allow… over the next few months. I need for these things to happen, but I also need the freedom not to feel like I’m obligated to them. I gotta be able to choose to be good to myself, if that makes any sense at all.
I hope your two-oh-one-oh is just what you need it to be.