So, tonight I’ve been tinkering around on the computer playing with my webcam for the first time ever. I wanted to take a self portrait in order to participate in this group in an effort to show my mad love and support for this lady and her awesome project.
Part of the assignment for the self portrait was to state what makes me different. Hmmmm… I’ve kind of covered my difficulty with this question before. So I did some finger tapping, some looking around the room (newly painted, I might add), and freaked myself out amused myself by watching myself in the web cam while I pondered the question.What makes me different? What makes me beautiful?
Well, we’re all beautiful and remarkable in some way. I honestly believe that. But I’m pretty sure that whatever is remarkable about me is probably true of at least a few hundred other people walking the planet, so I should just pick something that is true, if not wholly unique, so I can go to sleep already.
Then it came to me.
For the first time in my life, I am not afraid of failing. In fact, for the first time in my life, I can’t really think of anything that I am afraid of. (This, of course, exempts things that a reasonable person should fear like someone/thing harming my children, catastrophic sickness or unexpected loss of employment, and jumping insects that will gnaw my face off.)
In all seriousness, though, this was such a major revelation for me. Huge. Life changing. I’ve been sitting here making a mental list of all the things I’ve been avoiding or afraid to do. Some of these things are difficult, and I’ve avoided them for years out of fear of confrontation, fear of failure, fear of having someone be mad at me, losing a friend, you name it. Tonight I find myself looking at this list and thinking, Okay, I can do these things. And whatever the outcome is, I will be better for having done them.
A year and a half ago, that would not have been possible. Fear of failure was just about all I felt. In the last year and a half I’ve made some fairly significant changes, and I’ve been growing in this direction. I have been bolder. I have spoken up and stepped out more. I know I’ve made mistakes, but the idea of making a mistake or failing doesn’t fill me with fear anymore. I don’t know when that happened, but it feels wonderful.
Lord, I can’t wait to wake up tomorrow.