School started over a month ago, and as normal, we hit the ground running. The days go by in a blur and the weeks fly by at a pace that is sometimes gratifying and at other times alarming. I know I haven’t been writing here much. I”m trying to decide if that bothers me. I think, no, it doesn’t. I have enough to be bothered about to add to that list.
I’ve been toying around with the idea of trying to do stuff that would grow this blog, but then I think, no, I have enough jobs and other unfinished business to start a new project.
And that seems to kind of be the undertone to the last month and a half. Figuring out how not to be bothered. How to finish business. How to finish projects. How to not stress. How to better enjoy my life by trying to enjoy my work. Last year had no joy. In fact, very few people knew just how low I really was. And some days I think I could end up right back where I was so easily, and so I’ve tried to be very careful about who and what I give my time and energy to.
Part of that involved not talking so much. For a gal who likes to put it all out there, I’m beginning to learn that there are advantages to just keeping some things for myself. And that has left this blog kind of in limbo. But I’m sure my seven (former) readers understand. And that has been another big burden that I am trying to lay down: expectations–others’ expectations of me and sometimes even my own. Should can be a very, very dangerous word.
I don’t know. Everything is all disjointed and out of order. Kind of like a cubist painting. Discernable shapes, but none of them are where they are supposed to be. Something hugely out of proportion that looms so large that one has to force one’s eye to look at something else. Which is why this particular post is probably all over the place. I’ve written lots of posts like this lately, but I haven’t published them.
I still have a problem with letting people see this side of me. The disorganized approach. The unarticulated goals. The vascillating committment. I feel vulnerable, and silly, and unprofessional in so many ways, even though I know I am none of those things. It is difficult acknowledge to others that things did not go as planned. To risk that some might see me as a failure when the truth is it’s just plain life.
…… ….. …..
Still just thinking…Not sure how to wrap this up, so I think I’ll just stop.
Hope you’re doing well.